Be Clear or Don’t Even Bother

We all want to win arguments. Not just win—we want to walk out of the courtroom like a hero, papers in hand, as the imaginary crowd in our heads chants our name.

But there’s a tiny problem.

Most of the time, the two people arguing are not even playing the same game. (That’s why Judge Judy has to ask 1 million questions before she gets to a verdict.) You think you’re playing chess. They think you’re playing Uno. And somehow, both of you are losing.

Have you ever been in one of those arguments where you and the other person keep repeating the same words—but you might as well be speaking different languages?

You: “I just want some space.”
Them: “They want to break up with me.”

You: “I’m not mad, just frustrated.”
Them: “They are absolutely furious and planning my funeral.”

You: “Let’s talk about this later.”
Them: “This relationship has 11 minutes to live.”
       
Same words. Totally different meanings. It’s like arguing over the rules of chess with a person who thinks they’re playing checkers.

Sometimes, when things get heated, we tone down our language. On the surface, it seems kind, but really… it’s not. You say, “It’s fine,” when it’s not. You say, “No big deal,” when it definitely is. You say, “I’m just tired,” when the truth is, “I’m emotionally exhausted from having the same conversation 47 times.”

We do it because we don’t want to start World War III at the kitchen sink.

But here’s the twist: that so-called kindness might not be kind at all. Because when you’re vague, the other person has to guess what we mean. And people are terrible guessers—especially under emotional pressure. They will almost always fill in the blanks with their worst fears, not your best intentions.

So the more you try to “keep the peace” with vague language… the more you quietly fuel confusion, resentment, and future arguments. Congratulations. You’ve just upgraded from a small argument to the Big One.

When an argument gets intense and the emotions are high, it might feel safer to back off, soften everything, and speak in gentle riddles.

But the most compassionate thing you can do is actually the opposite. Use clear, honest, precise words. I know—that doesn’t sound comforting. It sounds like:

“So you’re telling me that when emotions are at a boiling point and Judge Judy is about to throw the book at me, I should choose… brutal honesty?” Well, yes, and… no. (Not brutal. Just clear.)

There’s a difference between “I’m sick of you!” and “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute. It makes me feel like I don’t matter.” One is an attack. The other is clarity. Clarity doesn’t have to be harsh. Being accurate and honest is a gift.

Clarity is not a weapon. It’s a tool. Like a scalpel. In the wrong hands, it cuts recklessly. In the right hands, it heals what’s infected.

Let’s change the game. Choosing clarity in conflict demonstrates genuine care and integrity. It shows you respect the other person enough to stay engaged in a tense conversation, aiming to resolve the issue rather than seeking an easy way out.

Let me break it down to you this way—with a little humor to soften the blow.

1. Clarity Shows Courage

Being clear in an argument is like walking into a room and turning on all the lights so you can both see the problem clearly. Sure, it’s much easier to change the subject, make a joke, or suddenly remember you need to wash the windows, right now.

But courage in a tense conversation responds differently. It says, “When you said that, I felt disrespected.” “I don’t agree, and here’s why.” “I’m hurt. I’m not okay. Can we talk about it?”

You might feel terrified being that honest, but the only other option is slowly drifting into a relationship where nothing real is ever said out loud. That’s not peace. That’s just low-conflict loneliness.

2. Clarity Shows Care

When you care about someone, you don’t hide your heart deep in the pages of a mystery novel. If you send emotional smoke signals, use sarcasm to hide your heart, or hope they “just know” what you meant, you’re being unkind to the other person in this relationship.

Instead, you give them the gift of honesty, wrapped in simple sentences. It’s the relational version of Christmas. And despite what the TV ads tell you, it really is the gift, not the cost, that counts.

3. Clarity Shows Commitment

Vague people can walk away whenever they want.

Clear people are saying, “I’m in this. Let’s figure it out.”

When you say what you’re feeling, tell the other person what you need, or show them what you’re willing to work on, it demonstrates that your relationship is worth fighting for.

It takes commitment in a relationship to make your inner world visible. Clarity is roses-and-a-box-of-chocolates to any relationship—even your boss (who would be weirded out to receive roses or chocolate… unless you’re looking for a big promotion). It shows that you’re willing to work on this even when it’s uncomfortable.

Duh. Absolutely! Being clear might mean they disagree with you. Of course, you run the risk that they will get upset with you. They’ll say something you don’t want to hear.

But not being clear is also risky. You risk being misunderstood long-term, building entire storylines in your head that aren’t true, or waking up one day and not recognizing the other person in the relationship because you’ve grown so far apart.

Remember— you don’t avoid risk by staying vague. You just trade short-term comfort for long-term confusion.

People tend to think victory in an argument is about who talks louder, faster, or with better comebacks. But the real power move is clarity. Plain, honest conversation says what you heard, what you feel—what you mean—and what you hope will happen next.

That kind of language takes courage. It communicates care. And it shows you’re committed—not just to being right, but to being in the relationship.

In a world full of people mumbling their way through conflict, speak clearly. It might feel risky. It might feel uncomfortable. But it just might be the most loving thing you say all day.