The True Cost of Being Always Available

I’ve lost count of how many times someone has asked me how I “balance” the demands of serving in the military overseas and being “available” for my family. To be honest, I always feel like a fraud when I try to answer this question. I’m not sure I got this issue of my life right all the time. But I did learn a few things about work vs. family demands in the military. Here are a few helpful thoughts about how I tried to navigate this.

Drive can help you build a fulfilling career, provide for your family, and make life better for your community or your country. But it has a hidden cost when every call feels urgent, every notification demands an answer, and work hangs over your head like a dark cloud hours after you walk through your front door.

The key question isn't just how to balance work and home demands, but who you're becoming in the process. Success isn't just about reaching the top. It's about the relationships you maintain along the way. Here are three practical tips for those overwhelmed by the endless internal struggle between work and family.

Create a clear routine. Before you leave work, write down unfinished tasks, choose tomorrow’s top priorities, and close your work apps. This is the modern-day version of Major Robert Roger’s standing order, “Don’t forget anything.”

Next, set physical or digital boundaries. Silence your work notifications. Put your work device in a designated place, and leave it there! If your job requires you to be available after hours, set a specific window for checking messages instead of staying constantly alert.

Finally, use your commute home to reset. Before you walk through the door, take a minute to sit quietly and challenge yourself to decompress from the workday. The goal is not to stop caring about work. It is to be fully present wherever you are.

Ask three questions when you get that urgent work message at home: What truly requires my immediate attention? What can wait until tomorrow? What can someone else handle?

Tell your family what’s happening, how long you expect it to take, and when they will have your full attention again. Ask them to gently and patiently keep you accountable to this timeline when work interrupts your home routine.

At work, explain your limits and offer a realistic timeline rather than promising something you can’t keep. If possible, involve others instead of carrying the responsibility alone.

You will not always achieve perfect balance—I know I didn’t always—but you can improve after every interruption. The goal is to give your attention intentionally to what matters most in that moment.

Practice the word “No” until you get good at it. A healthy no isn’t selfish. It protects your ability to say yes to your most important responsibilities. Before agreeing to a new request, avoid answering immediately. Say, “Let me check my commitments and get back to you.”

Consider what accepting will require you to neglect, postpone, or sacrifice. If you need to decline, be kind, direct, and brief: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot take this on right now.” You don't need a lengthy defense. When appropriate, suggest another resource or a smaller help, but avoid turning every no into a yes.

Your time and energy are precious resources, and wise stewardship of them exemplifies true leadership. While you might face temporary disappointment from others, overextending yourself will ultimately let everyone down—including you. Remember, genuine success arises from being present for the people and causes that truly matter, inspiring others to do the same.

1: How to balance military service and family?

Answer: Balancing military service and family starts with intentionally managing work and home demands. Set clear boundaries, communicate with your family, and give your attention intentionally to what matters most in each moment.

2: What is the best way to achieve work-life balance?

Answer: Create a clear routine, set physical or digital boundaries, and use your commute home to reset. The goal is not to stop caring about work, but to be fully present wherever you are.

3: How can military families handle work interruptions?

Answer: When work interrupts your home routine, ask what truly requires your immediate attention, what can wait until tomorrow, and what someone else can handle. Communicate with your family about what is happening and when they will have your full attention again.

4: How do you set boundaries between work and family?

Answer: Set physical or digital boundaries by silencing work notifications and limiting when you check messages. If you must be available after hours, set a specific window for checking messages instead of staying constantly alert.

5: How can I say no without feeling guilty?

Answer: Practice saying “No” until you get good at it. Before accepting a new request, check your commitments and consider what accepting it may require you to neglect, postpone, or sacrifice.

Leadership is not only about accomplishing the mission; it is also about knowing what deserves your time and attention. William O. Darby’s legacy reminds us that leadership requires courage, discipline, and sacrifice. The #ForDarby Campaign honors that legacy while reminding us that strong leaders must also be present for the people who matter most at home.

On October 30, Jeff will run 45 miles through Fort Smith, Arkansas, in Darby’s honor. Take the $45 Challenge, come alongside us, and help carry his legacy forward.